In life, they say it’s all about your attitude, and never is this more true than when you are recovering from a break-up. Some people can walk around dejected for weeks, while others jump right back into dating in an attempt to skip the whole grieving process. Neither extreme is a good idea, but I realize a lot also depends on how the relationship unraveled.
If you saw the end coming for some time, and you’ve been grieving the loss in the weeks/months leading up to the final moment, then heck I totally get why you are ready to just get back out there, whereas if you didn’t see it coming and you are in shock that the relationship ended abruptly, it’s going to take a while longer for you to get out there because you are going to torture yourself for weeks trying to figure out what went wrong. Just try not to over-analyze and wind up in “analysis paralysis.”
Some of my clients (and friends) tend to dwell on bad break-ups, and here’s my thought on that: DO NOT allow someone to make you a victim. You need to see yourself as a survivor, and if that person was cruel– that is his/her issue, not yours. There are some real FUBARs out there. Chalk it all up to a life lesson, but don’t let them continue to torment you after it is all over. Put it behind you and think to yourself, “thank you for being an a-hole.” The reason I say that is because when someone is a true jerk, you know that you will never ever want to go back, and you will never regret that it ended. You will never leave that door open– you will have no issue putting that final nail in their coffin and burying it 6 feet under.
At the end of the day, when you are done grieving your break up, I want you to get back out there with your head held high. When you go into the dating scene again, you need to be able to negotiate your terms from a position of strength, never from a position of weakness. You don’t want to be easy pickings, and you should never come across as desperate. Go in strong, and you’ll be just fine.
If you find yourself lacking in self-confidence, then ask yourself these questions: 1) Am I just as pretty, smart and kind as when I first met this other person? 2) Do my friends think I have an issue that needs to be addressed? If so, am I addressing it? 3) Do I want to have fun, and maybe someday find a life partner? All you can do is present your best self, and remember no one is perfect. At least now if you run into another idiot with the same qualities as the last a-hole, you should not fall into that same trap– as the saying goes: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
They say that to figure out what you want, sometimes it is easier to start by figuring out what you don’t want. Well, I’ve got my list of don’t wants pretty clear– and that is actually the real reason I say to a very select few from my past: thank you so much for being a real a-hole.
By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.