Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Are You Struggling With A Family Estrangement?
According to several recent publications approximately one-third of all families are struggling with some type of estrangement. There are several reasons an estrangement may occur within a family, including when (1) there is significant abuse/neglect by a parent; (2) relatives disapprove of someone's choice in a bride or groom, or the dynamic with in-laws becomes problematic as time progresses; (3) a couple gets divorced and maybe relatives sympathize more with the other spouse; (4) there is conflict over money, especially an inheritance; (5) someone fails to live up to the family's expectations or (6) there is firm disapproval of a person's lifestyle choices. Fault Lines, by Dr. Karl Pillemer is a fantastic book that I recently read, which does an excellent job of providing examples of each such scenario, as well as tips for coping with and/or overcoming this difficult situation. As a family lawyer for over two decades, I have been privy to many stories of family rifts, and I have also witnessed the ripple effect that they tend to have over generations. Sadly, we have experienced this situation many times within my own family, and as a result I have come to accept that sometimes despite our best efforts, some relationships simply cannot be repaired. Unfortunately, we rarely talk about these painful issues and many often just don't understand what could lead someone to completely sever ties-- a dilemma that is poignantly portrayed in the recent movie The Banshees of Inisherin. The truth is it only takes one person to opt out of a relationship and often the full extent of the collateral damage is left unknown for years. Within my own family, my mother was estranged from her father as a child, and this has always haunted her. I was estranged from my father, and it took me years in therapy to work through the trust and abandonment issues that resulted from that experience. The lingering issues that I have with both my parents have undoubtedly impacted my own relationship with my son, and we may never fully comprehend the full extent of how these rifts have been absorbed by my extended family. The undeniable reality, however, is that at this point no amount of repair work will ever fully heal the wounds that have cut deep into the fabric of our lives. When you can't count on your own family, it begs the question: who [...]
How Will You Celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Valentine’s Day, which some have reclaimed as Single Awareness Day is just a few weeks away– and there is still plenty of time to make a plan with or without a significant other. In past years when I was single I would always treat myself to something and make an effort to celebrate with friends, mainly because I believe the day is about celebrating love, not just a romantic partnership. Whether you treat yourself to a fun yoga class, a massage, a new outfit, some chocolates or a night at the movies, the point is to make sure you recognize Valentine's Day for yourself in some way. Why? Because the saying is true- you are not going to find the right love until you learn to love yourself. And beyond that, Valentine's Day is the perfect day to acknowledge and be grateful for all the loved ones in your life, even if you have not yet found your forever person. For those of you that are fortunate enough to have a special someone to celebrate the day with, I urge you to share with each other your expectations for celebrating the day together. Don't assume that the other person can read your mind or that some spending limit you have in mind is simply understood without actually being spoken. Do you want to go out or stay in? Do you want flowers and chocolates, or do you prefer something else? Have an open discussion about your needs and wants, this way you're sure not to be disappointed. Whatever you decide to do I hope it brings you joy, and that beyond Valentine's Day you continue to make an effort to allow past disappointments to fade while you nurture those relationships that help love find its way into your heart. By Regina A. DeMeo
5 Simple Tips To Safely Navigate Dating
Just a few days into the new year, and already many are diligently working on keeping their new year's resolutions. For singles, a popular task to tackle is to make a more concerted effort to get back into the dating scene. But the older you are and the longer you've been out of practice with playing 20 questions, the more daunting this might seem. Here are 5 simple tips that my divorce clients have found helpful when getting back out there: 1. Cast a Wide Net- Rather than put all your eggs in one basket, make sure you check out various dating sites (and ask a friend to check in on you after a new date). If online apps aren't appealing to you, then maybe consider reaching out to a matchmaking service that will do some of the vetting for you. You can also look into group activities or take a class that interests you to increase your chances of meeting others with a similar passion. 2. Be Mindful- People have different dating goals, and a lot can depend on how long they've been separated or how acrimonious their divorce was. Try to be curious and not make assumptions about someone's dating intentions. Some may just not be ready for a serious relationship, and others may lack the capacity to be flexible on certain criteria that they want in a partner, so don’t take rejections personally. Focus on what you need and clearly identify your deal-breakers. 3. Follow the Golden Rule- Be respectful of each other's time by showing up on time, being polite and ready to have fun while playing 20 questions. Try not to make that first date feel like a job interview. And if you're not feeling it, just be honest but in a kind way-- don't ghost, breadcrumb or cushion. 4. Take Your Time: Enjoy getting to know someone, going on trips together, meeting their friends and family, and planning fun adventures. Just remember, everyone is typically on their best behavior during the honeymoon phase. Use this time to do your due diligence by collecting various data points and making sure that your dreams and aspirations align. 5. Moving In Together: You truly don't know someone until you have lived with them for a while, so why not play house before you buy a house together? Of course for this to be a successful exercise, it's important to [...]
What’s Your 2023 New Year’s Resolution?
The holiday season is almost over and as we wrap up 2022 the biggest take-away for me is a very simple one: there is so much that is just outside of our direct control. As frustrating as that fact may be, the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can focus on that which is within your control. With that in mind, here are 4 key areas in our lives that we can strive to improve upon in the new year: 1. Physical Health– How comfortable are you with your own body? If you want to lose weight or tone your muscles, change your workout or maybe even get some medical intervention to fix things you don’t like about yourself, go do it! Focus on yourself for a bit, and don’t feel guilty about it. The great thing about setting physical goals is that within a short period of time you can really start to see results, and this will boost your spirits greatly. The undisputed fact is the more positive your energy is, the faster you will recover from whatever heart break or disappointment comes your way. 2. Intellectual Stimulation– Are you bored at work or at home? Having a great mind is a gift you should not squander. We all suffer lulls either at home or at our jobs, but rather than allow your brain to just atrophy find something new to learn and challenge yourself. Learn a new language online or in a classroom, sign up for continuing education courses that will either help you advance in your career or maybe assist you with changing jobs. Or maybe it would be fun to teach? Volunteering to teach kids is a great way to give back and connect with your community, and the questions they ask are so insightful. 3.Emotional Intelligence– I’ve met a lot of brilliant people with the emotional IQ of a pea. Seriously, there is not a single person I know that can claim to have mastered emotional intelligence, and that is because it is a work in progress, and we are all constantly learning as we react to different environments, experiences and life challenges. If you truly want to improve your relationships with others, there are tons of great life coaches for one-on one sessions, seminars for those seeking a group setting, or there is always the library (or internet) full of books on psychology [...]
Tips For Avoiding Holiday Drama
All families have drama, and let's be real there is such a thing as too much time together. Sadly, the holidays can be the perfect storm for many who are already on edge as a result of all the pressures we have this time of year to (1) find the right gifts for family and friends, (2) distribute the correct amount in bonuses and tips to our employees or service providers, and (3) make an appearance at all the necessary events/gatherings. Given all these challenges, try to set limits with others to ensure that you don't spend more time, money or energy than you are comfortable with-- remember it's a good thing to have boundaries. Unfortunately, our relatives are often the best at triggering us, so try being proactive vs. reactive. Knowing that some difficult questions might come up, try to problem solve ahead of time by coming up with a canned answer that is polite but firm. For example, if you don't want to discuss something, either say "I appreciate your concern, but this is still a raw subject for me" or "I'm not ready to talk about this now, but I will circle back to you when I am." If you rehearse these types of answers beforehand, then there is much less of a chance you will say something harsh in the heat of the moment. Another key coping skill during the holidays is to carve out some time for yourself, and don't let anyone guilt trip you because you want some time alone. There's no need to apologize or feel badly about wanting some time to decompress by yourself, just know that it's solely up to you to speak up when you need a break to go recharge your batteries. Here are some great excuses to do just that: take a long walk or bike ride, do some yoga, play some tennis or a round of golf, or maybe just go into a separate room to read or take a nap. The key is to specify what you are doing and how long you'll be gone. Some years you may need accept that it's just going to be less than ideal. Keep in mind that situations are fluid within families. In prior years, I would jump at the opportunity to see my family, but this year let's just say we've had more than our fair share [...]
Holiday Engagements & Prenups
With just 31 days left to wrap up this year, we are in full holiday mode now, which goes hand-in-hand with a spike in engagement announcements as almost one-third of all engagements happen during the holiday season. Those couples looking to tie the knot in 2023 will quickly need to work on their budget, which will largely be driven by their guest list and venue selection, along with the fees for other key vendors including a florist, photographer, the entertainment and caterer. Negotiating the various contracts with all the service providers while also navigating family dynamics over the next few months will undoubtedly be difficult and emotional for those recently engaged. Consider investing in some pre-marital counseling sessions as you prepare for this monumental life event, especially if you have concerns about your ability to manage conflict and communicate respectfully and effectively. This would also be a good time to discuss the benefits of a prenuptial agreement with an experienced matrimonial attorney and perhaps set up a meeting with a financial advisor to ensure you are on the same page about the financial implications of your merger. Over the past two decades, prenuptial agreements have become quite common especially as we've come to accept the reality that about half of all marriages will not last. To me, a prenup is like a safety belt-- no one gets into the car thinking it will crash, yet we all put on our seat belts just in case. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, they don't have to be complicated and simply are meant to ensure that everyone is on the same page with respect to what will be joint vs. separate, along with some limitations on alimony (both in terms of duration and amount). Why wouldn't you invest in some peace of mind with a durable contract that is fairly inexpensive to formalize, particularly in comparison to the other wedding costs that on a national average exceed $28,000? The reality is love and money don’t always mix, but the two are inextricably linked when you get married, merging not just your homes but your financial lives together. A prenuptial agreement (or post-nuptial for those that procrastinate until after the honeymoon to get this done) is a simple legal solution that allows everyone to move forward with a clear understanding of the financial expectations and limitations created by that union. Hopefully, this will [...]
4 Easy Tips for Divorced Parents During the Holidays
Divorced parents have a tendency to feel guilty that because they couldn’t work things out with their former partners, their children must now shuffle back and forth between two homes. Especially during the holidays, this guilt seems to kick into overdrive for some, along with regret that certain traditions will no longer continue. But let’s think about– would they be better off in a house full of tension or devoid of love? And is shuttling between two homes really that bad compared to the alternative of only having one primary parent and limited visits with the other when they have two equally loving and fit parents? 1. Chin Up It is hard for parents to not see their kids every night, or on every holiday– and I am actually saying that from personal experience over the last 17 years, but if you can put your child’s needs before your own, then you can appreciate that for your children it is important that you don’t make them feel bad when they go spend time with the other parent and extended family. Embrace this opportunity to start some new traditions and make sure you have your own plans while you encourage the kids to have fun wherever it is they will be spending the holidays. 2. Get Your Ex a Gift Until your child is old enough to have their own part-time job, most of them will need your help getting the other parent a holiday present. Now, I know it may not be easy to help the kids find gifts for your former spouse, especially knowing your efforts may not be reciprocated, but once you see how much it means to your child and you know that you are teaching them a good life skill, it actually leaves you feeling quite at peace that you can put the past behind you and gracefully accept the present state. 3. Remember the Good You may have moments of nostalgia, but don’t let your trip down memory lane turn sour. Stop negative thoughts from ruining your holiday spirit– the last thing you want to come across as is the Scrooge or Mr. Grinch! Try to over-ride bad memories with good ones, and in the end remember that the holiday season is a time to be thankful for what we do have– and let’s face it, you would not have your kids without your ex. 4. Choose Love Surround yourself [...]
This Thanksgiving, What Are You Most Grateful For?
This month, as we celebrate Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, and then Giving Tuesday, I hope we can find some time to reflect on the things we are most grateful for and express gratitude to all those that matter to us. As we now enter into our third round of holidays with COVID, although life may have returned to "normal" for some, there are many that are still struggling to recover from drastic changes to their lives either financially, socially or physically as a result of this prolonged pandemic coupled with historic inflation and global uncertainty. In past years, this would be the time where I would start to stress about holiday plans, parties, cards and gifts, however, in recent years I've learned to just streamline and simplify. November has become my month of gratitude, starting with Veteran's Day, which has taken on a whole new meaning this year with a partner, who is veteran that lost several friends during his years in service. The sacrifices our troops and their families make are far more profound than what most of us civilians can begin to imagine, and meanwhile most of the services available to assist veterans as they transition to civilian life are severely lacking as evidenced by their suicide rate, which is double the rate of non-veteran adults. There's so much that we take for granted, including our freedom and safety. As the holidays approach, I would encourage you to come up with a list of people you want to express gratitude to and causes you want to support, either by volunteering or through donations. Put pen to paper, and then truly make a concerted effort to act on the intentions you set forth as almost a year-end goal that is completely selfless. In the meantime, if you find yourself feeling anxious remind yourself to keep it all in perspective. Here are a few things I try to keep in mind: 1. Health– Too often we take our good health for granted. At this point in my life, many of my friends are starting to struggle to stay healthy, and some have even passed away, so if my biggest complaint is that I am about to start menopause, I really need to shut my mouth and count my blessings. 2. Family & Friends– I am lumping these together because I do believe friends are the family you choose. Our loved ones are there [...]
Are You On The Fence About The Holidays?
The holidays are right around the corner, and by this point it should be clear whether you are excited to get together with loved ones or dreading it. If it is the latter, don't ignore the signs of distress and your procrastination to make plans or buy gifts, this will only make the situation worse. Instead, try to be honest (at the very least with yourself) and figure out either a coping strategy or an exit plan. If you are not sure whether your relationship will last beyond 2022, this is the perfect time to start gathering some information and weighing your options. Do you need to break a lease or list a home for sale? What is the best way to safely and gracefully extricate yourself from your current situation? Perhaps you should seek the advice of a divorce coach or attorney, and definitely get some feedback from your financial advisor to avoid committing financial suicide. For over 20 years, I have helped my divorce clients develop a plan to get through the holidays, whether it's one last time together or first time around flying solo. We all need help in those first years breaking with past traditions and/or creating new ones, and the reality is that there is no one formula to follow to get it right. Each family and the needs of the individuals involved are all different, which definitely makes my job interesting, and also incredibly challenging. At this point, I have lived through quite a few variations of how to celebrate the holidays. Growing up with immigrant parents, we hosted what I refer to as orphan holiday parties. When I was married, I enjoyed celebrating the holidays with just close family at my in-laws. After my divorce, I developed some new traditions with my son, and on years that we were not together, I learned to plan ahead-- either because I was going to have to travel alone, or sometimes I just opted to spend a quiet evening alone with all my favorite holiday menu items, some good tunes or a few movies that would put me in the holiday spirit. This year, however, as an empty nester whose family isn't getting together for a variety of reasons, I will be cooking and spending the holidays with my partner and his family for the first time. They will be the calm before my perfect [...]
Will You Keep It Together For The Holidays?
Thanksgiving is just a month away, and that means many couples will face a very tough decision over the next few weeks– can they keep it together through the holidays, or do they need to bail now? If you find that you cannot hold it together, then the answer should be clear– bail now. There is nothing worse than trying to keep up a facade and make it appear to everyone like everything is fine, when inside you feel like you are dying. The holidays are supposed to be a festive time, but if you feel like you have nothing to celebrate and the last thing on Earth you want to do is buy presents for your partner, then the time has come to be honest with yourself and find a way to gracefully exit. I’m not suggesting this is an easy process to go through, nor one that you should try to tackle by yourself. You need to find an ally and develop a plan, but time is of the essence if you are feeling like a ticking time bomb because the last thing you want to do is explode, especially during the holidays and definitely not in front of little ones. I’ve always been a big fan of lists, and if ever there is a time to carry a journal and have lists to keep you focused, it is when you are going through a separation. If I had to develop a check list for a friend about to separate, it would look something like this: 1. Get a consult with an attorney to learn about your rights and obligations; 2. Do a budget for yourself– this is how you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.; 3. Find an apartment or suitable short-term living arrangement; 4. Notify the post office and get mail forwarded elsewhere; 5. Go through your home and list the things you want to take; 6. Set up your own bank account and stop making charges on a joint account; 7. Change your passwords and lay low with social media; 8. Rely on friends or find a counselor for emotional support; 9. Try to talk with your partner about the logistics of moving out; and 10. Resist the urge to find comfort in the arms of another– at least for 3 months. Throughout the years, I’ve always been amazed by the dramatic change I’ve witnessed in [...]