Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
Do You Want To Get It Right The Next Time?
Nothing causes you to be more consumed with self doubt about your judgment than a bad break up or divorce. After spending so much time and energy with someone, you are bound to feel immense disappointment that your efforts to sustain a long term relationship failed to yield a successful result. Give yourself some space to cycle through the anger, sadness, shame that result from the end of a relationship until you finally get to apathy, when you can accept that you need to close that chapter in your life in order to start the next one. Before jumping into the next relationship, however, it's important to do a self assessment. What do you really need and want in a partner? Also, what are your true deal-breakers? This can change over time, so don't skip over this exercise because you did it once before. Be selective in choosing your next mate. Pay attention to the way s/he follows through with plans and how special they make you feel. Is it easy to be around them or do you find yourself guarded? Do not ignore red flags while playing 20 questions, where the whole point is to map (1) where that person comes from, (2) where they are presently and (3) where they are heading. The reality is, as we get older time definitely becomes more precious, and personally I've come to accept you can't teach an old dog new tricks. After age 45, if someone lacks basic communication skills, doesn't know how to resolve conflict respectfully, or truly apologize when they've made a mistake, it's best to move on. Someone truly interested in maintaining a loving and committed relationship should have the ability to (1) be curious without being critical; (2) tread gently; (3) not jump to assumptions; and (4) connect in a meaningful way. These are basic skills required to preserve a healthy bond. Ultimately, if someone doesn't make you a priority and/or lacks the ability to do repair work quickly when needed, why waste your time with them? There are plenty of fish in the sea-- and if you need some guidance with exploring your options, there is a plethora of dating coaches and books out there to help you, even during COVID. In fact, many experts claim that during this pandemic more singles have taken the time to really focus on finding deeper connections and they [...]
Using Private Investigators in Family Law Cases
Regina DeMeo, a top family law attorney in Maryland and DC interviews Ken D'Angelo, the founder of Target Investigations, which is based in the DC Area and specializes in assisting law firms and individuals with surveillance and gathering evidence for cases involving infidelity, custody, or claims of addiction. Ken explains tactics used as well as common mistakes clients should avoid.
Do You Feel Validated By Your Partner?
It's easy to get along when you are both on the same page, but what happens when you're not? When you and your partner have different wants, needs, or expectations, do you still feel supported and loved or do you feel like you've entered a battle ground requiring you to slap on all your armor and pull out all your weapons? In the heat of the moment, it may feel like a riptide is pulling you into a maelstrom full of negative emotions. As the adrenaline surges, many go on the attack or become defensive. But the blame game never defuses the situation, and if neither party retreats in time, you will both say and do things you most likely will deeply regret later. Unfortunately, an apology afterwards will not always suffice to repair the damage caused during these episodes. Most people are either wired or trained (maybe both) to advocate for their own wants and needs, also known as positional bargaining, so when their partner has a different agenda, the default is to try and win them over by convincing them to change their position rather than to try and understand the underlying motivation and/or find a compromise. Another huge hurdle to overcome is this belief that if you apologize you are admitting you did something wrong, when instead it could just be seen as a gentle acknowledgment that someone's feelings were unintentionally hurt. It took me a while to learn that walking away from an argument was not a sign of weakness, but actually a strength. Knowing when to bite your tongue is a virtue, and allowing time for calmer heads to prevail is the smarter move in the long run. With some distance, you can often look back and clearly see what went wrong. Miscommunications happen all the time, and in a healthy relationship the focus is on gaining greater understanding to avoid stepping on each other's landmines in the future. Ultimately, at the core of every conflict is the fact that someone feels slighted. Rather than try to change someone's perspective of the situation, why not work with it? Lean into the problem and express curiosity-- especially if this is someone you truly care about. To give someone a safe space to express their feelings while demonstrating empathy is the ultimate expression of love and kindness. If you need a visual, try this one: imagine [...]
Tips For Navigating Your Divorce With Appropriate Expectations
Ending a marriage is never easy-- there's so much disappointment, sometimes shame, and most of all fear of the unknown. These are all normal feelings, but if you don't get them under control fast they can play out in very ugly ways as you try to untie the knot.Most of my divorce clients come to me hoping for an amicable settlement outside of court, and odds are usually in their favor with over 50% of my clients opting for mediation, a cooperative negotiation process or a Collaborative Divorce to end their union with civility and above all utmost privacy. However, half the time the other spouse is not ready to focus on settlement discussions and instead opts to either ignore my invitation to explore creative solutions or hires an aggressive litigator to wage World War III, thereby forcing us into a very public and expensive court battle.When navigating the divorce process, it's important to recognize that you cannot control everything. You cannot predict who your spouse will hire, which judge you will get, or how long the process will last. You won't be able to control the narrative or how the kids will react. You may also have zero ability to manage how the expenses are shared or joint assets are divided. It's essentially a freefall that can challenge even those with the steadiest of nerves.Your initial plan should obviously focus on (1) where you'll live, (2) how you'll support yourself and (3) a time-sharing schedule that promotes the children's best interest. You will also need to get some emotional support to help you weather the storm, and ideally obtain legal assistance that works within your budget that you can trust. A good lawyer won't just take marching orders from you, but will challenge you to think carefully about what's really worth fighting for, and knowing when it's best to walk away. Pick your battles carefully. As I like to tell my clients: don't wrestle with a pig, the pig actually likes it, and you just get dirty. Recently, a stellar New York City attorney that focuses on high conflict divorces authored a book, "You're Getting Divorced... Now What?" Sandra Radna provides a great step by step guide for people about to embark in this difficult journey. Here's the link to our Youtube talk with some helpful tips that she also covers in her book: A Roadmap To Navigate the [...]
A Roadmap To Navigate the Divorce Process
Regina DeMeo, a top family law attorney in Maryland and DC interviews Sandra Radna, an experienced matrimonial lawyer in NYC, who recently authored the book "You're Getting Divorced... Now What?" They discuss the importance of having a plan and controlling one's emotions, as well as what to expect from judges and your attorney. Having the right expectations is key, including understanding that it's a long game, not a short game.
Everything Money – Is Amicable Divorce Possible w/ Regina DeMeo
In this episode, Leah Jones, Director of Financial Planning for Hightower Bethesda, talks to Regina DeMeo, a family law attorney. Regina has worked with family law issues for 22 years, serving her clients to make divorce easier and more cost-effective as they work towards a resolution. She shares what an amicable divorce looks like and the difference between mediation and a collaborative approach. She also discusses how the COVID-19 pandemic has affected the process.
Make Happiness The Best Revenge
Break ups are never easy, but truly messy ones can definitely take a huge emotional toll on you. Normally, I see two extremes in my divorce cases: either people choose to retreat while processing their feelings of shame, guilt, and fear, or they remain angry for some time and focus on getting even. Let me suggest to you that neither extreme is healthy. Everyone should take some time to process what led to the demise of a significant relationship, and no one should just give up all their rights to avoid conflict. But the goal should always be to exit gracefully and recover as quickly as possible, without dwelling on all the negativity. Easier said than done, I know, but this heartfelt advice comes from personal experience and not a bunch of textbooks. Years ago, following a difficult split I took a long break from dating. I retreated way beyond what many felt was normal, but during that time I really worked through a lot of issues so I don't regret that period of solitude at all. Then, quite suddenly someone popped into my life and although I wasn't prepared to completely open up, I was definitely done with my period of hibernation. Unfortunately, I focused way too much on the activities we enjoyed together, and ignored some major red flags while just trying to stay in the moment and have fun. Eventually, during COVID some horrific truths came to light, and no amount of promises my ex tried to make could help me overlook the reality that staying with this person was not in my best interest. Without trying to diagnosis him, there is no doubt he has some severe narcissistic tendencies, including a tremendous sense of entitlement that somehow has allowed him to justify his need to be a serial cheater for most of his adult life. Sadly, my inability to trust him again coupled with my unwillingness to stay, sparked a dark downward spiral that ultimately required legal intervention, which now unfortunately makes me part of the 25% of women that have suffered from abuse by an ex. Fortunately, despite the trauma I experienced as a result of my ex, I had my own home, financial resources, and an amazing support network. Nonetheless, after living through quite a roller coaster ride of unnecessary drama, I could have once again retreated or gone to the other extreme [...]
Can You See The Light At The End Of The Tunnel?
It's hard to see a way out of the darkness when you are plunged into the abyss after a horrific break up. And, the more unprepared you are for that moment, the greater the challenges will be for you to regain your equilibrium. It may seem impossible, which is why more so than ever during those trying times, you truly need to rely on the love and guidance of others to get you through to the other side. Usually, I am the one responsible for guiding others to a brighter place. For decades, hundreds have trusted me during their divorce process to walk them through the ordeal, and I can do it easily with a blindfold on. But when the roles are reversed, and I am the one in need of assistance, I'll admit it is an incredibly uncomfortable and humbling experience, and yet is it precisely in those most vulnerable moments that I am reminded of the grace and beauty that surrounds us all. Last year, after discovering my ex's deep betrayal in the middle of COVID, truth be told the very idea of returning to the dating scene was so unappealing that I thought I'd rather opt for another colonoscopy instead. So, while everyone kept prodding me to just keep an open mind, I embraced the simple pleasure of whacking golf balls while listening to Beyonce's song Irreplaceable-- especially that line "since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you. Baby, I won't shed a tear for you... lose a wink of sleep, because the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy." True to Beyonce's prediction, replacing my ex (who later became a stalker) was not as difficult as I'd originally imagined, even during a pandemic. Adopting to virtual dates, socially distant walks, and limited options for dining out took some adjustment, but in some ways these new methods of meeting people created a very efficient process for weeding out bad matches. And maybe because we've all been dealt our blows during COVID, people are far more honest about their current circumstances and what they want for their future. Putting yourself back out there after you've been burned is not easy, and I completely understand and respect someone's choice to just fly solo. Lots of my divorce clients choose to focus on their kids or careers while putting [...]
Tips For Thriving Post-Divorce
Regina DeMeo a divorce attorney in Maryland and DC interviews Dr. Elizabeth Cohen aka the "Divorce Doctor" in NYC. Dr. Cohen explains the difference between working with a divorce coach and a psychologist. Therapists are able to not just focus on crisis management, but can help you take a deeper look into your behaviors and the past in order to focus on what you really need to thrive. Accepting the marriage is over, and moving forward is ultimately the only logical way forward. Together, they share some dating tips, including checking on past tax liens, divorces or criminal records for any potential new partner. Know what it is you need, and hold out for the love you deserve.
Celebrating a COVID Valentine
It's hard to believe how much life has changed in just a year, as last Valentine's Day was probably the last "normal" holiday we had before COVID hit. Honestly, I'm not sure if I remember how to walk in high heels, and while restaurants here are finally reopening at 25% capacity indoors, it's going to take me a while to work up to that. But those are small challenges in comparison to the daunting task of finding someone I'd even want to celebrate Valentine's Day with-- and thankfully I know I'm not alone on that front.Throughout the years, I have celebrated just about every version you can think of for Valentine's Day--either as someone's significant other or as a single woman enjoying Galentine's Day with my other fabulous single friends, and even as the host of an anti-Valentine's Day party, where we took turns bashing a heart-shaped pinata. But now it's COVID, and after discovering my ex is a serial cheater (who then became my stalker when I called it quits) I now face the most bizarre Valentine's Day of all. But thankfully, God has a sense of humor and in that vein I received an invite to a Zoom wedding, which I am actually really looking forward to attending. Valentine's Day I've learned is what you make of it. Although I can't (or won't) go to the spa or travel anywhere, at least while working from home this past year I have learned to cook some amazing dishes, and I embraced the game of golf. So of course for Valentine's Day I got myself some golf lessons and a warm Peter Millar vest. And, during my friends' nuptials I will enjoy an amazing home cooked meal in the comfort of my own home, while basking in the joy that the desire to be in a loving, committed relationship is still very much alive out there. Hopefully, you too will choose to celebrate love and life this Valentine's Day, whether on your own or with those closest to you. If you are in that unfortunate "it's complicated" phase of a relationship, take heart that you are not alone. We've all had to swallow a shit-sandwich every now and then. That's just how life is, and rather than cry hopefully you can find a way to laugh about it later. In fact, one of my friends has developed a whole [...]