Regina's Blog
This is a blog about relationships, and it covers dating, marriage, parenting, modern family dynamics and divorce as seen from the very personal perspective of a divorced divorce lawyer.
What Does Love-Bombing Look Like?
Love-bombing is defined as the strategic use of over the top gestures of affection, attention and admiration with the goal of making you feel dependent and obligated to that person. Narcissists and abusers often use this tactic to win someone over, until they feel they have obtained you and then you will start to see their dark side. In the beginning it is all rainbows and unicorns-- regular check-ins letting you know they are thinking of you, gifts that make you feel special, amazing dates that leave you wondering whether you are in a coma and this is all a dream. And the truth is, the greater the resources the greater the hook will be, including front-row center seats to sold out shows, decadent meals at Michelin star restaurants, expensive jewelry, clothes, perfume, and luxury trips. Year after year I have seen the same play, just different actors on a different stage. Whether the couple meets organically or online (that part doesn't matter) the problem is the same each time-- they are moving at warped speed. After just a few months they get engaged, marry and move-in together. All this happens within less than 18 months. The fact is that's just not enough time to really get to know someone, including how well they really handle finances and their work, as well as their emotional connections with family and friends (and exes). Let's recognize that we are all on our best behavior when we first meet someone, but eventually you need to see the good, the bad and the ugly to truly know someone. When times are tough or a conflict arises, pay attention to how someone handles this situation. Don't make excuses for bad behavior or ignore snide comments. Emotional intelligence is a skill that many lack, and it's impossible to sustain a healthy relationship without it. After you have been love-bombed, when the mask finally comes off and you see the two distinct sides to your Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, you will feel stupid. How did you not see this Master Manipulator for what s/he really was? How naive could you be? Accepting the truth might be so difficult that you will deny it's as bad as it seems. You will then try to bargain with yourself and the master manipulator. There will be moments of sadness, and others of pure rage. Whether you realize [...]
Do You Know Your Own Value?
This Tuesday, March 8th is International Women's Day, and in preparation for two talks that I am leading this week, I came across some very sobering statistics. According to a recent LeanIn study, 1 in 3 women have considered leaving the workforce or downshifting their careers during this pandemic. Burnout is real, and although I have seen it first-hand in the legal industry over the past two decades, the numbers are far worse than what I imagined. From a recent ABA study I learned that of the 1.3 million licensed and actively practicing attorneys in the U.S., approximately 86% are non-Hispanic whites; only about 5% are Hispanic like me, and just 23% of equity partners are women. The only way change can happen is if we are honest, rather than just suffering in silence. It is no secret that many companies, particularly law firms in major cities have continued to resist requests for more flexible schedules and work/life balance. This is the very reason I have run my own family law firm for over a decade, while also juggling the responsibilities of being a single mother. Many of my female colleagues have since followed suit for the same reason, while others have opted to leave the profession entirely or transfer from private sector to government or non-profit jobs. Last month, I attended a webinar hosted by my alma mater, Georgetown University. The female speakers shared very candid experiences about (1) coping with failure/rejection, (2) learning to take risks, and (3) gaining confidence over time to become more authentic. Their message was clear-- women take rejection much more personally than men, we take fewer risks in business, and it seems we need more time to comfortably speak up. All of this resonates with me, and it begs the question how can we improve without openly discussing the unique challenges we have all faced as women? While we have certainly made progress in the 104 years since the 19th Amendment was passed allowing women the right to vote (which almost coincides with when my grandmother was born), we have to recognize that we still have many obstacles to tackle. Ultimately it comes down to truly knowing what you are worth-- not just at work, but also at home. As Sheryl Sandberg said in Lean In, one of the most important decisions a woman will ever make in her life is the [...]
Tips for Online Dating, Especially During COVID
Online dating has become pretty mainstream over the past decade, but more so these past two years during COVID as other alternatives for meeting singles have been somewhat limited. And while various sites have made it incredibly easy to create a profile and browse their pool of eligible people, none of them provide a step-by-step guide of how to navigate the process once you actually match with someone, that is a skill you are either expected to have or quickly develop on your own.Before you even dip your toe in those waters, most experts would recommend that you develop a list of must haves and can't stands. What do you absolutely need in a partner, and what are your non-negotiables? Be honest with yourself, aside from wanting someone attractive (that is obviously important) ask yourself: (1) What's an appropriate age range? (2) How far are you willing to travel for a date? (3) Are you focused on getting married or looking for something casual? (4) Do you want children or are you an empty-nester that prefers people in a similar stage of life? (5) Do you want someone that shares your passion for sports, travel, or a healthy lifestyle? (6) Do you want a partner that has a similar education or professional status? (7) Would you get involved with someone that is separated but not yet divorced? Once you have answered these basic questions for yourself, you should be able to quickly start screening inappropriate matches just by reading someone's profile or asking some direct questions in your first few exchanges before you ever meet up. While you are communicating, also try to look for these 3 things: (1) Availability- can they hop on a call or meet for a walk, or do they have a million excuses for not being able to schedule a time to have a real conversation? It should be a red flag if they only want to communicate by text and delay an in-person meeting for more than a week. (2) Responsiveness- does it feel like this person takes forever to respond, or maybe their responses are too immediate, like they have nothing better to do? Pay attention to the pace of your communications. (3) Engaging- do your conversations flow easily? Does this person know how to take turns asking questions, and does the volley back and forth seem natural? It's not normal for [...]
Tips for Celebrating Single Awareness Day, aka Valentine’s Day
Valentine's Day, which some have reclaimed as Single Awareness Day, is right around the corner, during another year with COVID and what is turning out to be a pretty harsh winter. While traditional options for celebrating may not be in play, regardless of your relationship status, don't ignore the opportunity to celebrate a day devoted to love. Even if you don't have a romantic partner that fills your heart with joy, most of us have plenty of other sources of happiness including our friends, family, work, or individual interests. I'd like to focus on the latter because the more at peace you are with yourself, the less likely you are to tolerate a toxic romance or settle for a meh relationship. The importance of self-care, where you ensure your own needs are met cannot be overstated. More than just meeting your basic necessities, you should make time to treat yourself on a regular basis with little acts of kindness. My goal for this year leading up to a milestone birthday is to do one weekly act of kindness for myself that is completely unrelated to my responsibilities at work or as a parent. Maybe you can try out some of these examples this month as your own treat for Valentine's Day: Home- Can you do a room "refresh" without doing a major renovation that will be expensive and time consuming? Could you reorganize a closet/storage unit that has been bugging you for some time? Can you declutter, purge some junk or shred old documents that are taking up space? Given how much time we spend at home, it's important make sure this is a source of comfort and peace. Food- Are you tired of the same routine? Why not take an online cooking class or try a pre-packaged meal prep service (e.g., Hello Fresh or Green Chef) for a few weeks to change things up. Maybe you can suggest doing a recipe exchange with friends. We all need to eat, but having the same meals every week can get boring, so break up the monotony a bit. Travel- I have always enjoyed traveling, but last year during COVID, I only left the DC Area to visit family in California and Florida. While I will probably do that again this year, I have also made plans to go on some golf trips. If a spa or beach retreat is more [...]
Will Your Relationship Make It After The Holidays?
With Christmas and New Year's just around the corner, a lot of couples have decided to just grin and bear it through the holidays while still dealing with COVID, especially for the sake of the kids. But soon after the holiday guests return home or the kids go back to school, many will find there is no point to keeping up the facade, particularly after this year of unprecedented events has called into question for all of us whether we are truly satisfied with the life we've built, and what will make us happy moving forward? Truth be told, there are a lot of unspoken sacrifices we all make either for our spouses or our children. Many times, we may not even be aware of how much of ourselves we've given up until a life-altering event like death, divorce, a world-wide pandemic, some personal health crisis, or maybe a child's emancipation causes us to contemplate all our past choices, and re-evaluate what we want for our own future, separate and apart from everyone else. If a separation is the answer to either end your suffering or provide you the opportunity to pursue a different life, understand that the path to freedom may not be easy. Find an ally you can trust that will help you strategize, particularly if you are in fear of your safety or are unsure of how to navigate family dynamics. Change always causes disruption, and it can become overwhelming to keep track of everything that needs to be accomplished while you are going through emotional turmoil, so my advice is to prioritize the tasks based on their time sensitivity. In other words, tackle what is most urgent first by starting with these 8 tasks: 1. Schedule a consult with an experienced attorney to learn about your legal rights and obligations; 2. Prepare a budget for yourself– this is how you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.; 3. Look at apartments or other suitable short-term living arrangements; 4. Notify the post office and get mail forwarded elsewhere; 5. Go through your home and photograph all expensive items while listing the things you want to take; 6. Set up your own bank account and an individual credit card; 7. Change your passwords and lay low with social media; and 8. Find a mental health professional for emotional support. When coming up with an exit [...]
Prenups & Love In The Time of COVID
Even though we are still in the middle of COVID, weddings are back in business, and so you can expect to see a lot of engagement announcements over the upcoming holidays, when typically over 25% of couples get engaged while surrounded by their families to celebrate the good news. Last year, the average wedding cost dropped from almost $38,000 (in pre-pandemic times) to about $19,000, largely due to the trend of micro-weddings with less than 50 guests, which may well continue into 2022. Nonetheless, difficult money talks are an inevitable part of the planning process, which will require the couple tying the knot to quickly reach a compromise on their guest list and lock in a venue, which may have limited availability due to postponed events from last year. Other vendors will also have to be vetted, including a caterer, florist, photographer, and the entertainment. Almost all these service providers will require deposits and legal contracts, which need to be reviewed carefully especially in light of the stringent (often non-refundable) new COVID clauses that many have added this past year. Navigating this entire process is a good exercise in communicating respectfully while working on a budget, managing disagreements, and truly learning about each other's family dynamics. If this all becomes overwhelming, invest in some pre-marital counseling sessions. Often, when money is really the only source of contention, the solution may be a simple prenuptial agreement, which forces the parties to focus on what they believe is a fair and reasonable expectation with respect to (1) contributions towards household expenses during the marriage; (2) spousal support, if any in the event of divorce; (3) what each will continue to keep as separate property; and (4) what assets the couple will accumulate as joint property. The reality is that marriage in the 21st century is nothing like those of prior generations. The traditional marriage model, where one stays home and raises kids while the other works to financially support the family is now less than 25% and in over 1/3 of households the women now out-earn their male partners. Most couples I encounter have never co-mingled their bank accounts, except for one joint account to pay shared expenses. Many are then shocked to learn that this may not matter to the courts when it comes to how the state defines marital vs. separate property. Also, if there's a disparity in incomes, [...]
The Many Layers of Domestic Violence
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, but to really be effective in addressing this issue we all need to be vigilant year round to this profound problem that impacts about 1/3 of women and 25% of men in intimate relationships. Although love should not hurt, the past two decades I have seen countless examples of abuse in over half my family law cases. Those that manage to escape these situations do not succeed on their own-- they rely on the help of either family, friends, neighbors, therapists, neighbors, the police, an attorney, or some other trusted individual that can lend a sympathetic ear and provide sage advice. If you see someone in need, do whatever you can to connect them with the appropriate resources to develop an escape plan. Here are the 4 most common scenarios my clients have encountered from their partners:Physical abuse- this is obviously the easiest to spot, particularly when someone shows up with bruises, and in addition to pictures they may even have witnesses, police reports or medical records that can verify their allegations. There is often a lot of shame around this situation, and it's important to change the narrative immediately. The abuser is the only one who should feel any shame, and the person finally leaving the abuser should be celebrated for finding the courage to leave the toxic situation. Ultimately, what they wish to do with the evidence of abuse varies a lot. Some want to file for a Civil Protective Order, some incidents may lead to criminal charges, but many often just want to separate and move on. The pros and cons to each choice have to be weighed carefully, and it really isn't fair for anyone else to pass judgment.Psychological abuse- this one can be difficult to prove, and is considerably more subjective. What if there are no emails/texts/phone messages/social media posts that clearly show one person made statements or took any actions with the intent to scare, harass, humiliate, manipulate or provoke another individual? While we may not doubt the fear that victim felt was real, when we have a he says vs. she says situation, the courts may be limited in providing a real remedy. The best use of resources here is to focus on working with a mental health professional to delve a bit more into past patterns and help establish boundaries to build healthier relationships moving [...]
Tips For Becoming An Empty Nester
They say for parents "the days are long, but the years are short," and now the true significance of those pearls of wisdom are sinking in as I prepare for my son to turn 18 and finish high school in just a few months. I was 31 years old when I gave birth to my one and only child, and at the time I was a young associate at a downtown family law firm, married to a man I had known since college, and together we had a lovely house we had just renovated in Chevy Chase. As we brought our little bundle of joy home from Sibley Hospital, I firmly believed we had a solid foundation for a happily ever after story.Over the next 18 months, however, our very different views on core issues about parenting, religion, lifestyle choices, finances, and personal aspirations became insurmountable challenges for us. Ultimately, I made the difficult decision to end our marriage, which then forced me to start practicing what I was preaching to my clients about the need to share custody and minimize the conflict for my own son's sake.Being a single parent for over a decade gave me a preview of what it would be like when my son would eventually leave our home. On the nights and weekends that he was with his father, I learned to entertain myself, and for holidays or special occasions I discovered the surest way to avoid disappointment was to rely on my own plans. This past year, as I approached my 49th birthday I could almost hear the clock ticking in the background as I doubled down on my efforts to prepare for being an empty nester, just as my son began to assert more of his independence. Even though COVID presented certain unforeseen challenges, I still managed to enjoy traveling on my own, exercising daily, dating, learning new recipes, making new friends, and venturing back out to concerts, movies, and shows. And, once this pandemic is behind us and my true empty-nester status kicks in, I am looking forward to pursuing even more adventures. Sadly, many parents in an intact family focus so much on work and parenting, that they leave very little opportunity for the adult parents to enjoy time alone, travel as a couple, or check-in with each other as individuals during a normal date night on a regular basis. This [...]
What Will Your Post-COVID Life Look Like?
As we increasingly see the return of what life was like in the Before Times (pre-COVID), many of us are carefully choosing those parts of our pre-pandemic lives we wish to restore versus the ones best left behind. One of the silver-linings of the global lockdown this past year is that it forced all of us to modify our daily routines, review our priorities, and appreciate things we once took for granted. In the aftermath, what we have is an incredible opportunity to be more mindful in the way we create our post-pandemic existence, particularly in these areas: Work/Life Balance Among the most common themes being discussed is the desire to maintain more of a work/life balance, which can be more readily accomplished by reducing commute times and maximizing the use of various efficiencies we all discovered as we adapted our work habits this past year. By wasting less time, many are hoping to continue enjoying more time with family and friends, as well as being more committed to their own health and fitness. It is a win-win for everyone as happier people tend to be more productive at work, and less stressed at home. Finances Another benefit to come out of the pandemic is that over this past year, the credit card industry saw families pay down the greatest amount of debt in decades. For years, financial experts have been begging people to (1) maintain a generous rainy day fund, (2) live within your means by maintaining a balanced budget and (3) be more conscious about your spending. The past year was a rude awakening for many as to why we should heed these words of wisdom, and for those caught off guard, perhaps changes can be implemented moving forward to provide for greater financial security in the future. Community This past year, no one could ignore how much we need each other in all sectors of society, and the severe divide that exists within our own communities requires immediate attention. We can only hope that the momentum created this past year will continue to promote the necessary changes to foster a greater sense of fairness, justice and peace among all of us. On a more personal level, one humbling reality of COVID-19 is that any one of us under enough stress can suffer from situational anxiety or depression, and the best antidote to these ailments is to develop [...]
Top 5 Take-Aways From The Gates Divorce
Over the past two decades, I have worked on several high-profile cases, including a few billionaire divorces in the DC Area. As a result, the announcement of Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce does not come as a shock at all, but I do believe there are some great take-aways here for everyone. Here are my top five (5) points for all of us to ponder: 1. Money- While it certainly helps make life easier when you have a secure financial base, money can't buy happiness. In fact, the more people earn the more obligations they usually take on, and this adds a level of stress and complication that perhaps 90% of the world will never fully comprehend, but the pressures are undeniably real. Ironically, the more you have the more demands you have on your time and energy, which can then take away from certain simple joys including some alone time enjoying individual hobbies or engaging with friends, family and your significant other.2. Shared Narrative- Even though their children are all 18 or older, they know that this news will have an impact on them, and their short public announcement was a perfect example of all you need to share with the world (1) state the fact that relationship has reached a conclusion (no need to explain why); (2) acknowledge the success you shared, particularly with the kids; and (3) ask for privacy. Here's how they did it, surely with significant professional help: After a great deal of thought and a lot of work on our relationship, we have made the decision to end our marriage. Over the last 27 years, we have raised three incredible children and built a foundation that works all over the world to enable all people to lead healthy, productive lives. We continue to share a belief in that mission and will continue our work together at the foundation, but we no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives. We ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life. 3. Avoid Court- People with money (even well below the level of Bill and Melinda Gates) are actually highly incentivized to want to preserve their wealth, and they will wisely invest their money in a process that is solution focused, like mediation or the Collaborative Divorce Process. Court is [...]